Perubahan

2014 hampir tiba.  Sepanjang 2013 banyak perubahan berlaku pada diri ini. Tahun lepas, ada dugaan ujian dalam persahabatan.  Tahun ni  ujian istiqamah dan mendekatkan diri dengan Allah. Mengenali Pencipta, mengenali Rasulullah dan cuba mempraktikkan sunnah. Cukup susah rupanya bila nak beristiqamah ni. Senang berkata-kata, susah perlaksanaanya.

Selepas arwah ayah meninggal, Rasa kehilangan. Satu tanggungjawab besar jatuh ke bahu dan aku jatuh terduduk diam tak terkata. Pemergianya tiba tiba. Dalam sedih, sepi, hidup perlu diteruskan. Dalam kesamaran, dalam kegelapan mengurus itu dan ini, tanah, bendang, urusan adik adik, pada masa yang sama, emak pula tak berapa sihat, berulang ke hospital setiap bulan, masa tu Hospital di Kangar, bila pindah rumah baru di  Jitra, Perjalanan ke Kangar jadi jauh. Urusan pindah ke Hospital Alor Setar makan masa juga dekat 6 bulan. Dah tukar hospital Alor Setar, of course ada routine follow up sebab bukan senang hospital nak take over kes pesakit dari hospital lain. satu hal pula ke hospital alor setar saban minggu. Ketika itu, sabar dan sabar. Mana nak handle family, nak ulang alik ke hospital, ulang alik hantar adik ke sekolah (sometimes rotate dengan my brother) dan ulang alik ke ipoh. Tanggung jawab  kepada ibu, tanggung jawab dan amanah dari ayah kepada adik semua penting, semua patut dituruti. Suami pula jauh masa tu.

Kadangkala rasa sedih tiada abang, tiada kakak untuk mengadu dan bergantung. Semua buat sendiri.

Bila ada yang menghulurkan alam persahabatan, disaat saat kita memerlukan persahabatan diterima dengan tangan terbuka.  Masa tu ada kawan yang macam kakak sendiri dan juga abang sendiri. Seronoknya dapat keluar sekali sekala, release tension. Ada kakak dan abang yang memahami diri ini dan terima seadanya. Tiba tiba teman yang dianggap seperti kakak yang disayang yang menjadi tulang belakang hilang pergi.  Beberapa bulan selepas tu kehilangan pula teman yang dianggap abang, yang selama ni masing2 bergantungan. Masing-masing punya masalah. Masing-masing mengadu masalah… menjadi pendegar setia saban hari. Hilang begitu sahaja meninggalkan cacian dan kata nista, fitnah menjadi taruhannya. Cakap sahaja nak tamatkan persahabatan, kenapa perlu memfitnah itu dan ini?. Period.

Lupakan drama diatas, I try to find the strength dengan kaki sendiri. Cuba hiburkan diri dengan hobby photography. Alhamdulillah membantu. Sangat membantu. Hidup diteruskan seperti biasa. Berulang alik antara Kedah-Perak, rumah-office, rumah –sekolah, rumah-hospital sedar sedar je kekuatan itu datang dengan sendirinya.. Setiap hari mengadu pada Allah, benar kata orang, semakin kita kerap merintih kepada Nya Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, kita semakin dekat, semakin mengenali Nya, semakin kasih dan sayang kepada Nya.

Bermula lah episod mengenali Sang Pencipta yang maha Agung. Terasa diri ini sangat kerdil. Sangat lemah tetapi diberi kekuatan dalaman yang cukup.

Alhamdulillah tahun ni emak dah semakin sihat, Cuma sesekali ke hospital untuk follow up dan check up. Dan tahun ni banyak berulang alik ke Perak sebab husband menetap disana. Irfan pula sekarang akan habis SPM dalam beberapa hari.

Alhamdulillah, syukur. Allah adalah sebaik baik perancang. Dalam perancangan Nya yang maha hebat, dia rupanya mahu aku menjadi hamba Nya yang tawaduk, yang diredhai Nya. Lantas Dia menjauhkan diri ini dari segala-gala anasir dan pengaruh yang tidak baik. Bila diingatkan balik perkara silam, sekarang aku jadi diri sendiri, tak ikut cakap orang lain, boleh berkawan dengan sesiapa sahaja, dan aku banyak habiskan masa dengan keluarga. Kalau dulu seringkali masa dihabiskan melepak di mamak dan berbual kosong perkara tak berfaedah. Kini setiap  masa dan perbualan terisi dan berisi. Syukur atas rahmat Allah. Kadangkala kita tak sedar Rahmat Allah disebalik semua perkara dan peristiwa.

Perjalanan masih jauh, perjuangan masih belum selesai. Banyak perkara perlu diubah. Perlu Istiqamah dengan lebih kuat. Aku masih belum sempurna.

As the quote above, for me keduanya sekali. Yes I change because, I learned a lot, and yes I have been hurt so much....

Sejujurnya.. diri ini memerlukan abang dan kakak sebagai pembimbing. Masih mencari dan akan terus mencari..... kali ini sebagai pembimbing menuju kearah mencari keredhaan Allah Swt. Salah aku sendiri juga dulu, berkawan untuk keseronokan bukan kerana Allah. And I realize now, good people are hard to find, so treasure them. IsyaAllah, I'll find them one day...

My advice for those yang hidup sempurna dikelilingi orang tersayang, ada kakak, ada abang, ada adik, ada ayah dan ibu, ada kawan yang setia,  Recognize when you have good people in your life and treat them right. Don't take out your frustrations on those that love you and would do anything for you...

Yours truly...
Eny Abdullah

wrong place at the wrong time and at the wrong situation

Assalamualaikum.

Sangat berdukacita semalam. I was totally in bad mood last night. Tak main candy crush, no bedtime reading as usual. Tidur berbantal air mata, bangun pagi mata sembab!!

None of us are wrong. We are totally in wrong place, at the wrong time and wrong situation. Jadi mangsa keadaan. Raya Qurban ni most likely both of us have to celebrate it apart from each other. 

Nak buat macam mana, redha je lah. DH dah commited dgn Qurban prep yang dia kena tolong at his family house. Myself dah tied dgn working schedule yang gila gila punya gila! Cuti raya pun sehari. Hari raya hari tu lah cutinya. Esoknya kena kerja! of that I had asked DH to balik beraya disini je lah, but he said he already committed to do all the qurban ceremony preparation. Tak ada orang lain yang boleh buat. Period.

Ye lah sebab sebelum ni I pun dah cakap mmg nak raya kat sana. Nak buat macam mana, planning manusia ni tak boleh kira punya, kita bukan sesiapa, pandai merancang, yang Maha Menentukan DIA.  Apa pun tetap bersyukur seadanya. Allah sebaik baik perancang. Pasti ada hikmah.

Kalu tension, food is the best therapy. Ni buat last friday. Tengok balik pun dah boleh ease the pain hehehe

Hmmmmmmmm... nasib baik lah raya haji... Tengah merancang percutian year end ni, semoga Allah permudahkan untuk spend time with DH

Living apart after marriage

Living apart after marriage is like a nightmare to some people. Mine not so bad. We've been separated by 4 hours of driving. But it's hard sometimes to make out the time. The truth is it's require hard work and a full time commitment to make the marriage works. Mainly couple who are  living apart , who have to leave behind spouse, who have to live on different states because of their jobs. As for me, the main reason is family obligations. It's unavoidable. As a big sister, although my family did not put the burden on my shoulder. But I was the one who put up my hand to take up the responsibility soon after my father passed away. Just like that. It's a long story you know.

I hope that this is temporary. For the time being, a little bit mindset adjustment might help.  The way you think of marriage and a plan for staying connected to keep your marriage strong despite the distance.

123.68 miles away. Its not that much. Things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

Susahnya....

Hidup adakalanya kita diatas, adakalanya kita tersungkur jatuh kebawah. Itulah hidup. Cabaranya ialah apabila kita diatas, bagaimana caranya agar kita tak leka dan alpa dan terus bersyukur dengan apa yang kita miliki. Kalau dibawah pula, kita harus cuba untuk bangun dan bangun untuk terus berdiri diatas. Semuanya terpulang kepada kita, nak berada diatas atau dibawah.

Terpanggil untuk menulis kali ini adalah mengenai cabaran untuk beristiqamah. Istiqamah atau dalam erti kata mudah berterusan dalam melakukan perubahan yang baik. Bahasanya mudah. Perlaksanaanya hanya yang melaluinya yang tahu.

Susahnya nak istiqamah. Betul. Susahnya nak tetapkan dalam diri betapa perlunya kita tetapkan iman, kentalkan jiwa dan sanubari agar menjauhi perkara larangan. Beberapa kali diri ini tersasar jauh keluar dari jalan istiqamah. Tetapi Allah itu maha pengasih dan penyayang, sentiasa memberi peluang kepada hamba Nya yang lemah ini untuk masuk balik ke jalan yang itu. Walaupun berulang ulang kali.

Dalam setiap sujud, kalau dulu diri ini memohon agar dimurahkan rezeki diberi kejayaan di dunia dan akhirat… tapi sekarang, yang dipohon adalah agar ditetapkan istiqamah, dipermudahkan amal ibadat dalam mencari keredhaan Allah.

This loneliness

Ya Allah, help me get rid this loneliness and tell me that our love can go the distance...

Me waiting my adik to finish his trial exam then only i can meet DH (u know i kan supir hantar budak sekolah aka guru tuition tak bertauliah aka penceramah bebas tentang kesedaran study last minute ni hehe)..

That means this merdeka break i just have to spend my day off at home saja lah.. Adoi memikirkan keboringan tu lah rasa waktu lama sangat berjalan... I wish i can go to work on this merdeka day huwaaaaaaa!

On 31st tu ada kenduri Pak Ngah DH kat Batu Gajah, kena fikir jugak, nak pergi atau tak pergi...... hmmm... kalau ke kenduri Pak Ngah on Saturday, boleh bertolak dari Thursday lepas ambil Irfan, then boleh sampai Ipoh Khamis malam Jumaat tu, dan jumpa DH :D

Ada 2 hari extra nak bermanja :D

Anyway, kena fikir dulu, bilanya nak do the grocery shopping, beli ikan sayur tu semua utk bekalan rumah while me away from home.. then baru boleh balik jumpa DH dengan senang...

Macam ni lah pengorbanan kena jaga family, and at the same time, jaga my hati yang kacau bilau ni...

This loneliness is totally consuming me... Ya Allah..

Buka Puasa with DH

As Salam...

Husband is here. Still here, malam ni baru balik ke Ipoh. Husband is very busy lately. Sejak tukar kerja (which of course la for a better pay) he don't even have time for himself, apa lagi kat isteri dia ni... and i know he always find a way to make time for me, but its ok,  a small sacrifice you've got to make for a slightly bright future....;)

Anyway, bulan puasa i dont cook much. Excited on the first day je, second day, balik kerja terus tertidor atas sofa, sedar-sedar dah azan berbuka :D

Tapi husband balik kan, mestilah cuba masak something for him. Nasiblah dia balik on Thursday, my halfday hari tu, and then Friday, which is my week end. Today hopefully can go home early at 3.30pm.

Talking about long distance marriage ni banyak pengorbanan perlu di buat. Dari segi masa, emosi dan perasaan. I think so far i have dedicated my 100% to make this thing works. Yes! you sleep with tears almost every nite, you pray everyday, hopes in the mercy of Allah to give me the strength, give us the rezeki to stay together under one roof. And we never lose hope of Allah's mercy... Allah knows what is best for us so why should we complain. We always want sunshine but He knows there must be rain..
So whenever we're down and whenever we feel that everything is going wrong
It is just Allah's way to make our spirit strong… Allah is the best Planner,He knows what will be the best for us..

Wanna share my cooking for my darling husband, simple one, but dia cakap sedap sedap tu kira ok lah kan :D

We had chicken rice for our first buka puasa together this year... ;). The chilli sauce i made was super sedap. But the chicken was a bit overcooked :D

Bubur pulut hitam  plus masterchef plating ;P

The second day, we had Daging goreng kunyit. I used fresh kunyit, blended together with 1 tbs chilli, halia, bawang besar, dan garlic.

And Sambal Hati yang sedap sangat ;)

Anyway, today's menu is sotong and fish.. Tak tau lah nak masak apa... maybe Sotong Paprik kot :D

seriously dehydrated

I seem to have let myself become seriously dehydrated. During puasa month, i mmg susah nak minum air. Especially during the sahur. Bercinta jugak la nak habis kan satu mug air masak. Tapi air teh panas atau coffee boleh pulak. I try to avoid these 2, sebab caffeine boleh buat badan menjadi lebih dehydrated diwaktu siang dan end up badan lebih letih. Anyway sekarang tengah cuba habiskan satu botol air masak. Tadi dah habiskan satu mug teh susu hehehehe

Dh balik next week. Cant wait to cook for him for berbuka. =))

The law of sacrifice

Typical women, ada mood pada hari tertentu, dia akan craving yang bukan bukan! Yes I craving for cake since last week!!!!!!! - obviously not benda yg bukan bukan :D 

I'm not a sweet tooth, but I tak boleh tengok cake, kalau setakat butter cake, any type of plain cakes, I boleh tahan sekadar menjeling je, but not layer cakes, with decorations on it, with chocolates, glazes, cherries or anything colourful on it, ye ye aje boleh potong masuk pinggan dan ngap and there goes my diet kahkahkah

But of course, you dont get anything you want easily. 

The law of sacrifice.  To forfeit something for something else considered to have a greater value. So lunch is something I have to giving up today, as I think a slice of chocolate banana cake from secret recipe is worth more.

It turns out, the cake is so damn x sedap, the only thing yang sedap was just the banana which of course la secret recipe petik dari pokok je. The cake they made not up to the the standard of RM 7.++ per slice!.

Hessssshhh i could have just bought bihun tomyam yang sedap tu saje for lunch sobs sobs sobs!!

The "NO RICE" diet

You know, we always say "I've gain so much weight, I should reduce my rice intake". But why rice is always being blamed as the cause of weight gain??

I know why.

A cup of cooked rice has about 200 to 250 calories (depend on the type of rice). Knowing we Malaysians eat too much rice, a cup of rice is for a plate. We usually had at least two plates each time we eat. Orang kata makan mesti bertambah. Ok we added another 250 calories in it. And the side dishes,  your favourite curry, asam pedas, masak lemak, the fried chicken etc etc. You probably end up with 800 calories per meal. gosssh!!!

I try jugak lah this No Rice diet, for few days hehe. I just had sandwich for breakfast and lunch (at office),  noodles soup for dinner at home(the no oil base soup - main rebus je) and just drizzled some olive oil or sesame oil orang kata nak membuka selera :). Okaylah untuk tahan rasa lapar even though I struggle so much before bed sebab masa tu lah perut akan rasa lapar sangat dan kalau tak tahan iman boleh jadi I drive kereta malam malam ke mamak :D. But so far iman masih tebal hehehe..

To fight off the hunger before bed syndrome, I drink a glass of water diluted with apple cider vinegar with honey. Yes it help! Remember, always rinse your mouth and brush your teeth after consuming apple cider vinegar. The acids in apple cider vinegar can wear away the enamel on your teeth.

For how long can we completely ignore rice? I know sooner or later I will go back to rice. But at least I know how to control the amount intake most of all to control the hunger. 

So the rice is not the culprit, its the amount of rice we consume. If you think you can control rice intake, just go ahead!

Just to share some of my foods during the "No Rice" diet.

Spinach soup noodle

Chicken Laksa without coconut milk

Vietnamese Soup Noodles

Grill chicken, salad and mashed potato.

All by myself

...hitting the repeat button to listen to this song over and over.

I'm sitting here, starring out this window. I feel all alone. Two days CNY off is like nothing. I'm here alone. Totally alone. DH had to go to work on CNY.

I know this is part of the deal, but last night when DH told me that he not only wouldn't get any extra time off, but he'd be working CNY too, it broke my heart. I get off the Sunday and Monday, so I'm going to be spending two days alone.  Yes I have mom and siblings here, I won't be completely alone, but my heart will be aching. I know there are people who have it worse than me but it still just makes me really sad. He's frustrated because he doesn't have any control over it and he thinks it's not fair for me to be sad when he can't change it. Sigh.

It feels like I'm a captain on my ship without a crew or should I say a pirate ship without Captain Jack Sparrow.

I'm going through withdrawals from this loneliness.

Mahalnya satu kemaafan

Tak semua orang mampu memaafkan, tak semua orang yang mengakui silap sendiri dan memohon keampunan. Nilai satu kemaafan tu adalah tinggi, mahal dan sukar sekali. Kadangkala kemaafan tiada selagi memori dan ingatan kita masih kuat atas sesuatu perkara yang terjadi.

As for me, senang memaafkan, tapi tak senang melupakan, tapi jauh sekali akan berdendam. Prinsip saya mudah, be good to people. Always be good, no matter how people throw shit on your face. Be good anyway.

Tapi bukan semua orang seperti saya.

Kita kena faham itu. Bahawa its takes sometimes to forgive, its takes sometimes to forget. Apalagi melibatkan satu satunya orang yang kita sayangi, orang yang kita bergantung, menjaga kita dari kecil hingga dewasa..

Dan bagaimana pula seseroang itu mampu mengenali orang yang hampir 10 tahun tidak berjumpa dengan sekali pandang?

Jadi jangan expect semua orang sama, jangan expect bila ada pihak memaafkan, pihak lain akan ikut. Hati kita lain lain, sekurang-kurangnya kita cuba jadi diri sendiri.

Buat apa senyum kalau sekadar pura pura dan hipokrit?

Something to ponder..

Boboi kucing saya, beliau nampak garang, tapi hatinya baik :D

Because Allah knows the best.....

Gambar penulis sekadar hiasan ;p (OoO.. looks like I'm growing a moustache in this pic (T____T)

Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.

 He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Suppor-ter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people." 

Surah Al-Baqarah 286

Do you find that everyone depends on you but you have no one to depend on? It is very stressful sometimes.

 From the outside, I probably looked like every one else. On the inside, especially within my heart, I was in shambles.

They says, let yourself go. There's a limitation to certain things you do. You have a husband to take care of. Don't push yourself to do all things for your family. But if I don't  then who will take care of them? How could I to let my mom and seorang anak yatim not having proper meal just because I have no time and too tired to do groceries shopping?

To be honest, dalam hati ada terdetik why I'm the first born daughter. Why not no 2, no 3? But then I realized that Allah put me in this place, because HE loves me, and Allah menguji setiap hamba yang Dia sayang. HE knows that I'm strong, that I can do everything. 

I will never limit myself for my family. But I still hope, everyone else like my siblings could offer their help  and contribute something to the family,as well to learn to take care the family, so that one day I can happily move to Ipoh and stay with my husband. 

I just hope that I have power to make everyone happy. Everyone seems happy, me happy too, but within my heart, only Allah knows.  Allah knows what is best for us, so why should we complain? We always want the sunshine but HE knows there must be rain.  HE knows what best for me. As for now, I believe this is the best for me..

And I have Allah to depend on.. A very charming and kind husband ,he has been a shoulder to cry on.. Alhamdulillah.....

New Year Eve Rambling

Ketika menulis ni, saya baru menghabiskan a piece of cappuccino cheese cake that we bought for Bee Teng’s birthday. B Teng is one of my colleague. Hujan pula dua tiga hari ni. Terfikir macam mana nak bercuti kalau hujan nanti. Tak terfikir pula nak check wheather forecast – silly me.

I still wait for my Body Shop parcel. Kenapa lah tak kunjung tiba. Actually order untuk honeymoon, satu set fragrance dan bath set. Nak happykan husband kan ;p. Geram pula fikir fikir kenapa lah tak drive saja ke store body shop di Alor Setar instead of online ordering. – silly me no. 2

So saya akan bercuti mulai esok. Walaupun tanpa Body Shop saya tu, percutian tetap diteruskan. Rasanya nanti singgah je la body shop store kat mana mana dan beli apa yang patut. Yang dah order belum sampai tu, nanti simpan for anniversary 1 year pula ;p.

Esok new year, satu azam belum terlintas di kepala. Apa nak buat, apa patut dicapai, apa patut ditinggalkan, apa patut diutamakan. Rasanya malas nak berazam lagi since most of my new year resolution selalu b/f to next year.. sampai bila nak b/f resolution ni? sampai ianya belum terlaksana!

Bonus belum sampai 1/3 spend, yang dah beli hanya barang keperluan sendiri, barang keperluan adik irfan sekolah, belanja family makan. Belum belanja mak lagi. Maybe just give her cash, so she can buy anything she wants. Apa pun tunggu balik bercuti nanti je lah. Promise to myself, the only gadget for this year will be new camera lens. Stop buying smartphones, tab, camera, gps etc etc.

DH pergi camping with his colleague last weekend. Macam seronok. Tiba tiba rasa nak bercamping macam disekolah dulu. Masak nasi hangit, makan lauk sardine dan ikan masin. Pernah camping hingga ke Langkawi dan Lumut. Selalu camping masa hujan, mesti berkwan dengan pacat. Memang pengakap tegar masa tu. Sekarang kalau balik kampung DH, nampak pacat dan cacing pun menjerit hysteria bagai. Terfikir kenapa dulu ganas dan macho, bila dah jadi isteri jadi gedix pulak.. maybe factor bila dah tau ada orang yang boleh berlindung, kita tend to bergantung kepada orang tu? Betulkah teori ni?

That’s all for today as to menutup tirai 2012. As for me, saya sangat bersyukur dikelilingi orang yang saya sayang, walaupun tak kaya dengan harta, tapi mencukupi. Alhamdulillah terima kasih kepada Allah SWT atas kurniaan Nya. Semoga tahun depan lebih menjanjikan kebahagian buat semua.

Happy new year!